Are you ready for some violence! Do you want to see the shedding of blood and vital organs splattered around the steel cage!? Tonight and tonight only, The Liberal Dead brings to you a moment in sports entertainment that will never be forgotten! Fresh from his battle with the once infamous Freddy Krueger, Hailing from Camp Crystal Lake we bring to you blood thirsty fans, the one, the only, the king of our ring of screams Jason Voorhees! Tonight he will defend his title against five yes you heard us correct five back to back opponents proving once and for all who the baddest mother fucker of them all really is.
Round 1: Jason Vs Michael Myers
*The lights go out as the all too familiar Halloween theme kicks into full gear*
Jason turns quickly to see Michael standing behind him large knife in hand as the sound of steel on steel echoes throughout the arena locking them inside until only one is left standing. Without hesitation Michael takes his first swing underestimating the sheer power of Voorhees, grabbing onto Michael's arm you can see the tide quickly turn as the loud crunch sound of Myer's bone ripping through his flesh is heard in vivid surround sound. Before Michael even gets a chance to react it's all over as Jason uses Myer's own broken arm to shove his trade mark knife through his throat sawing until it falls bouncing about the cage floor.
Round 2: Jason Vs Jigsaw
Do you believe you've lived a good life? Asks the sickly old man standing in front of the monster. Jason tilting his head for a moment plunges his bare fist through the chest cavity of the old man, removing much of his ribcage and insides with one swift pull, looking down as the empty shell of a man collapses to the floor.
Round 3: Jason Vs Pinhead
Before the blood of Jigsaw has time to soak into the mat a barrage of hooked chains rip through the holes of the cage attaching themselves to the arms and legs of Jason. Quickly they all tighten pulling Voorhees off the ground holding him suspended by his very own skin. Pinhead walks towards the helpless madman with a look of sadistic glee across his pale white skin basking in the orgasmic vibes being sent to him by the beautiful display of pain. As Pinhead turns his back to celebrate a slow and painful victory the sound of flesh being torn from bone can be heard followed by a loud thud of boots hitting the ground. Jason impales his hands on the needles that cover Pinheads face pulling as his head become severed shooting a fountain of blood in all directions, his disembodied head still laughing as Jason frees one hand from the bed of needles reaching down and picking up the box, pushing in one of the many panels the click echoes before it is shoved down the throat of Pinhead exploding into a bright light that engulfs his body sucking him once again into his small prison.
Round 4: Jason Vs Ash
A shotgun blast sends Jason against the steel cage as the distant roar of a chainsaw can be heard approaching quickly. Ash sends his chainsaw tearing through the left leg of Voorhees before he has time to even react severing it like a knife through butter. Jason tries to grab for Ash while balancing himself on his remaining leg but the saw is already half way through his right leg causing him fall to the floor. Ash moves in for the kill rushing towards Voorhees not expecting to be caught by his massive hands one grasping his chainsaw arm the other gripping the arm holding his famous boom stick, screams start to escape Ash's lungs as he feels Jason slowly pulling his arms from his body causing a stream of blood to gush from his torso covering the floor with a pool of gore as he bleeds to death in front of the sold out arena.
Round 5: Jason Vs Edward
Wandering into the door way of the cage stands a small sparkly young man with a look of horror and fear across his face. Jason looking up throws Ash's chainsaw arm across the cage impaling it into Edwards chest, using his arms he crawls towards the twitching body of the glimmering metro sexual undead and looks into his eyes for a moment before twisting the blade and tearing it from his chest quickly find it a new home securely through his throat sawing down his torso until his insides are exposed for all to see.
If you made it to the end of this, there is a very good chance that you are just as stoned as I was when this came to be. And for that I commend you and give you a big thumbs up followed by a drawn out alright man.
Lesson to be learned here, truth be told ONLY Jason can love you forever machete trumps sparkles every time.
- Ted "Ritualistic" Brown
ROFL
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